DESERVING A SHOT

admitting that i am wrong when i have done something wrong is not an easy thing. i find that it is hard to even forgive myself at some point. the feeling of "how could i be that stupid?!", or "how the hell did i lose my mind?!", or "what's in the world that i could be that insane?!" is so hard to deal with.

the tendency of being stuck on the past seems to be the heart of it all. it may also define that mechanism of defense thingy within me. i defend myself from me. simply just not knowing where to start mending by accepting all the way that i am.

as time ticks away every second of it, it should be just simple for me to move on with such a big heart of mine that it does not even matter that sometimes i make some mistakes. why can't i just come out in modest and humble way after all? instead, i keep blaming myself and by doing so: wasting my good times regretting things i know i can never go back to the past and fix them. suddenly, my life is a mess.

i often sit quietly and think about those people around me who seem can move on wisely. i don't know exactly what's on their minds - of course - but, they come out gracefully. sometimes i just know their mistakes because they tell me in a heart-to-heart session, or i just happen to know it some other way; still the way they handle their mistakes is just awesome. they show me just how to deal with the painful things of their mistakes without losing their self-esteem. it may be because they are already kinds of people who have that god-given thing called confidence, and sense of dignity.

i know, something is wrong with me for being unable to feel okay about mistakes i have made. i was sorry, even, i really am.

by being there for my friends and simply listening to them while learning how to feel good about making mistakes and regretting them and trying hard not to do them ever again, i am making my way to deserve myself a shot: mending.

i am worth a better life - just like everyone else is. how can i even start a better brand new life if i don't feel all better about myself? i am working my way to start accepting the fact that i am an ordinary human being who is imperfect and makes mistakes. i am working my way to possess the dignity. i am working my way to truly realize that God is with me, that i have my family and friends who stand by me, and even some total strangers who happen to help me be a better me. 

i am loved and i won't give up to deserve it.

picture: private document