it ain't so-called baseball game - it is my awkward moment of persistently into someone else.
awkward : as i feel like i don't know where to start while having that feeling in me blossomed.
persistently: for i seem to be myopic about that feeling within me.
well, my capability of being in a longing state of mind is just incredible. in a particular time when most people have already done with the same thing, still i dwell with it - for unknown period. it is seemingly i have those extra energies to deal with those energy-consuming things.
on one side, it is great - to feel it intensively, like nobody else could do. but on the other hand, it hurts so bad to make my days through it - most of the time.
sometimes, i just know the whole thing about it is only going to ruin me - emotionally, so why bother going on? nevertheless, i kept walking and then stumbling down - in pain. who's stupid, now?
there is something inside me which tells me over and over again and makes me feel like i can't stand waiting - i'd rather go and chase it, only to get the truth that i was rejected and failed.
not only once - worse, twice!
how can i keep mistaking it?
eventually, i can only blame myself.
the moment he said he wouldn't be with me after those consciences about new life ahead, i wish i were someone else much better.
the moment he said he couldn't follow my heart after that sweet rumor and a butterfly charm-bracelet, i tried so hard to stop wondering what it meant. he didn't even give me any chance to go further!
simple, those two are not the ones for me. but the fact that i fell twice and those two moments turned out badly in the same way makes me want to go down a deep hole - without being able to come out, ever again! it's not that i feel helplessly pessimistic - i just can't believe that, somehow, i don't deserve those two charms! what the hell is wrong with me?
i thought falling down in pain once would be just sufficient - why did i have to do that twice?
i think i will stop playing this game of awkward and persistent. i have to come out stronger and resistant. no more letting myself fall when i strongly feel like i'm not gonna be caught. no more exaggerated acts. no more non-sense failure. no more chance for strikes.
instead, it's a home-running me!
picture: private document
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