LUCIDLY NEBULOUS

Being me, in this skin of mine, is sometimes something of a curse!

I am not cursing or resenting - not even disregarding God. Nope! I am just metaphoring one part of my life, the part which I have never ever wished for, but it happens to me - making me feel - errr, was it something I didn't notice, or give a damn about?

The thing is: every damn morning waking up and looking at my reflection in the mirror, I see definitely the same damn thing: my so-called ordinary-looking face, just like the way it is. Nothing special. Traditionally, I don't meet general standard of beauty, though there is nothing too wrong about my outer look. Yeah, yeah, of course, there is ALWAYS something about me which I want to change, although it's not as extreme as plastic surgery. The truth is, I do nothing significant to alter the way I look - just the way I have always been.

Here's the thing: though being a meticulous person, I am definitely a simple figure. Being too much of a simple person, I don't think I truly realize that my so-called ordinary appearance is being such a curse to me - particularly if related to people's first impression on me.

And, what is that?

THAT is that I ...

... don't look like , errr, at my 30's ...

Feeling like it's too often for me to be commented so; I precisely look at my reflection in the mirror. What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't i simply be just like somebody else, who looks like at their ages?

It may be because of ...

Genetic thingy? Check!

That I seem to stay young is likely heredity. Not something worth being proud of, nor something magical such as being sprinkled by Tinker Bell's pixie dust, which lets me fly away to Neverland - being much alike Peter Pan; forever young.

(Almost) No make-up? Check!

When moving to a hot-weathered city due to job thingy, the one about which I think a lot is how I love the heat of the sun! Just like favorite paper flower which loves the extra sun rays, I love it when the sun shines. For I easily get sweaty when enjoying sunshine, I don't feel comfortable to polish the skin of my face with something "heavy" and complicated.  All I need is smooth and light coverage to protect my skin; considering the high outdoor mood I possess, plus oily skin. I've been thinking to choose from AA, BB, CC or DD cream. There were those moments when I decided to give some products a try - not really finding the right one. To sum up, instead of looking fabulous with totally stunning make-up, i just look unbelievably plain counting on whatever I have my hands on. The most ultimate condition: making me comfortable for its light-weighted formula. In spite of the fact that it may be the culprit which makes people around me say: "Try polish your face a lil’ bit "heavier"; it won't hurt, and you may look like you are at your exact age!” And, yes, I suspect that the light-weighted formula of simple random thing makes me look brighter and younger instead!

Upbeat personality? Check!

Despite being an anti-social persona and tend to have a world of my own, I love curving smiles to others; guess it is one of those best accessories. Loving smiling, I realize that i have that upbeat thingy within me, along with my childish voice; and it all just makes me the more that i don't even sound lady-like just like a lady in her golden year of 30th!

Befriending youngsters? Check!

This one may be the reason why people accuse me of not looking like at my 30; that is the truth that I get along well with teenagers daily - moreover, because they are my students. To be exact, 24/7 of mingling and dealing with him! The side-effect: more or less, the so-called effortless style and free-spirited attitude become integral part of my life. Typically youth.

So, what's my predicament?

What’s the curse?

The truth is i loathe the after-effect of people's impression on me. For real!

It's not that my true color does contrast with what is actually taken as impression by others. Contrast? Because, truly madly deeply, I (really) am an anti-social. My circle of "friend" a.k.a. people I know well is a small restricted circle. Others may think, along with my upbeat personality, I am supposed to be typically person with above average of interaction. Got it all wrong! But, it's not that "got-it-all-wrong" which makes my existence miserable.

Also, it's not that people's first impression on me, that I don't look that "old" is wrong; because I myself actually experience the same thing: staring at my reflection in the mirror and hoping that I look "mature" - even, what I truly wish when meeting new people is that they would say "you're beautiful", instead of saying "Hell, you do NOT look like at your 30!"

It was one of those days when I really wanted to be somebody else - just alter!

So, what happens?

Well, I don't like their surprised reactions, and those who don't believe that I am truly at my 30.

Once, twice, it's nice.

Three times and more, I can't stand it anymore!

It feels like being forced to eat durian, while I don't like it. Or, to solve Math problem, while I really can't handle it.

Should I care about people's reactions?

Well, to some extent, yes!

The way I react back? At first, I was defensive; uttering words by words to make them sure that it was the truth about me they have to accept.  But the more that I was being defensive, the more that I was getting sick and tired, so that I just responded as simply as smiling and faking it that I didn't even care; whereas I hope that, next time, those people would react as I always wish - which is not showing "too-surprised" facial expression when knowing that I am not that "old". Or, even, please just don't bother getting to know my age when meeting me for the first time.

Then, is it THAT simple and easy?

Absolutely, hell, NO WAY!

The closer I get to my 30, the more frequently that I meet new people, such as those new students of new classes every year, the more that I have to deal with people's impressions on me, which I dislike.

Coming June, my birth month, coming real closer to my 30, it's not being older which makes me anxious, but being accused of not looking like at my age!

Telling myself that life begins at 30, I think it's because more or less, deep inside of me, I actually am at my 30, then it comes to just how I manage my outer look now.

I can now safely say that no matter how frustratingly indescribable something-of-a-curse is, I love being in this skin of mine.

picture: private document