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| Central Park, New York - May 2015 |
First day of August 2014, he departed to The United States of America.
Yep! Leaving me all behind.
Like I really, really couldn't help it!
He left me for a great deal : education.
By any means and in any ways, I just simply could never ruin his dream - even if it means parting millions miles away!
I always told myself that I was gonna be okay once he left, but of course I failed. I felt empty - exactly like what I felt when my mom passed away years ago.
Cold. Grey. Completely lonesome. Absolutely on my own.
For he is not only the man I married. A family. But also, the one I want to spend my days and nights, goods and bads with - the cherry to my pie, the straw to my berry, the cream to my Oreo! Once he leaves, what am I gonna do?
I spent almost months mourning like a pathetic soul - not knowing how to get over my stupid feeling (stupid because I never mind being alone, yet when he left me, I missed him the way I have never missed before!), and how to take it as it is (because I just couldn't believe that he left me!). When he reluctantly apologized for leaving me, I realized that he also has a very difficult time leaving me all behind, while I thought that he might forget me over all the fun in new place. I was over-thinking, I know right! I was just drop-dead envy; I just wanted to be there with him! I felt sorry that I actually made him even more suffered by whining like I were an immature person, a weak individual - yet, the truth is I am mature and strong. When I reluctantly cried and protested to him on the phone conversations for being miles apart, I might just want to cry in front of him; I perhaps just foolishly felt like I were unwanted; I probably just wanted to show him that I miss him so much, that I wanted to make sure that he got what I meant - yet, I should not have done those miserable things toward him! For some damn reasons, I felt that I had actually and eventually hurt him.
Then, I came to my senses and braced myself in sanity and best wishes - hoping that I would soon come to him after the documents needed are all set.
When life gets easier "without" him around me (And, it took damn time! And, it sucks!), I turn to him thru' distance, connect to him as intimately as I can, and make him "see" for me every single thing I want my eyes to experience: my American dreams.
Thru' his eyes of mine, the pieces of my dream do come true.
My American dreams started out a simple thing when I was a little girl: music.
I probably partly have to blame my family for making me into English songs rather than Indonesian songs. I grew up with strong influence of American thingy, such as Disney, singers, songs, movies, and books. The way I saw America was no differ from what I see it now, persistently: cool, breathtaking, amazing.
I don't know why - but, that's it!
My older sisters and brothers introduced me to American songs (rock, slow rock, pop and R&B), and made me listen to them in a way makes me think, "How was my sense of music gonna be without them suggesting me?"
Obviously, another part of me really thanks God for my siblings!
It's just like a realistic quote from one of the Echelon,
And, for my dad, for the Disney and Hollywood movie experiences I truly enjoy.
And, for my late mom, for the very cool music treasure I genuinely take pleasure.
In addition to my learning English from songs, movies, books, and attending English Department in college, as my love for America grew stronger, I keep in my heart a memory of what once a dream coming true: befriending ones from The White House.
Oh, come on! I was just a college student back then! Of course, it meant a lot. Actually, it does - for it gave me exposures to simple things I had been dreaming of; things which are beautifully different from my casual sights: having conversations with native speakers of American English, perceiving the beauties of God's creations of vivid blue and dark green irises, and just everything!
I wrote for the first time a letter to US, and it landed on my friend's desk in The White House. Later, I got a bunch of package from US Air Mail. I was beyond grateful - so happy!
Visiting US is definitely one of my American dreams. Then, he is there to help me make it come true.
Thru' his eyes, I see just everything I want to see.
One morning in May 2015, I woke up with a view from Central Park, New York - with the very thing I have requested from him: a hand-picked Maple leaf - for a keepsake, for I always want to have one - a dream comes true.
I get the thing with Maple leaf. Really.
What I have in mind dealing with the beautiful leaf is the pristine picturesque of Autumn wonderland: the fallen changing-color leaves.
I love the intense autumn colors of the national symbol of Canada, along with its shape: various shades of red, yellow, purple, black, orange, pink, magenta, blue, and brown; with the palmate veining typical. Adorable!
Maple leaf always reminds me of an oxymoron: the warmth during the chilly autumn days. As I never actually experience the season of fall, I could only imagine it. Exuding the melancholy of autumn, I associate the impeccable season with (rather than Halloween and pumpkins) snug knitted sweaters in sultry tones for some warmth in considerably cool temperature, fancy leather boots in toasty shades to stroll around the places with beautiful fallen Maple leaves, and a cozy patchwork quilt to spread on the fallen-leaf ground for a picnic with a mug of hot chocolate and marshmallows. Practically obsessed!
In my deepest consciousness, also, he is a drop-dead beauteous fraction of my American dreams. I truly couldn't get any more idealistic, being a dreamer, with anyone else beside of me.
It's gotta be him. Him only.
I am beyond blessed for his being my eyes - making me descry bits of my dream: American dreams.
pictures: private documents
I always told myself that I was gonna be okay once he left, but of course I failed. I felt empty - exactly like what I felt when my mom passed away years ago.
Cold. Grey. Completely lonesome. Absolutely on my own.
For he is not only the man I married. A family. But also, the one I want to spend my days and nights, goods and bads with - the cherry to my pie, the straw to my berry, the cream to my Oreo! Once he leaves, what am I gonna do?
I spent almost months mourning like a pathetic soul - not knowing how to get over my stupid feeling (stupid because I never mind being alone, yet when he left me, I missed him the way I have never missed before!), and how to take it as it is (because I just couldn't believe that he left me!). When he reluctantly apologized for leaving me, I realized that he also has a very difficult time leaving me all behind, while I thought that he might forget me over all the fun in new place. I was over-thinking, I know right! I was just drop-dead envy; I just wanted to be there with him! I felt sorry that I actually made him even more suffered by whining like I were an immature person, a weak individual - yet, the truth is I am mature and strong. When I reluctantly cried and protested to him on the phone conversations for being miles apart, I might just want to cry in front of him; I perhaps just foolishly felt like I were unwanted; I probably just wanted to show him that I miss him so much, that I wanted to make sure that he got what I meant - yet, I should not have done those miserable things toward him! For some damn reasons, I felt that I had actually and eventually hurt him.
Then, I came to my senses and braced myself in sanity and best wishes - hoping that I would soon come to him after the documents needed are all set.
When life gets easier "without" him around me (And, it took damn time! And, it sucks!), I turn to him thru' distance, connect to him as intimately as I can, and make him "see" for me every single thing I want my eyes to experience: my American dreams.
Thru' his eyes of mine, the pieces of my dream do come true.
My American dreams started out a simple thing when I was a little girl: music.
I probably partly have to blame my family for making me into English songs rather than Indonesian songs. I grew up with strong influence of American thingy, such as Disney, singers, songs, movies, and books. The way I saw America was no differ from what I see it now, persistently: cool, breathtaking, amazing.
I don't know why - but, that's it!
My older sisters and brothers introduced me to American songs (rock, slow rock, pop and R&B), and made me listen to them in a way makes me think, "How was my sense of music gonna be without them suggesting me?"
Obviously, another part of me really thanks God for my siblings!
It's just like a realistic quote from one of the Echelon,
"Without them, I don't know where I'd be today."
And, for my dad, for the Disney and Hollywood movie experiences I truly enjoy.
And, for my late mom, for the very cool music treasure I genuinely take pleasure.
In addition to my learning English from songs, movies, books, and attending English Department in college, as my love for America grew stronger, I keep in my heart a memory of what once a dream coming true: befriending ones from The White House.
Oh, come on! I was just a college student back then! Of course, it meant a lot. Actually, it does - for it gave me exposures to simple things I had been dreaming of; things which are beautifully different from my casual sights: having conversations with native speakers of American English, perceiving the beauties of God's creations of vivid blue and dark green irises, and just everything!
I wrote for the first time a letter to US, and it landed on my friend's desk in The White House. Later, I got a bunch of package from US Air Mail. I was beyond grateful - so happy!
Visiting US is definitely one of my American dreams. Then, he is there to help me make it come true.
Thru' his eyes, I see just everything I want to see.
One morning in May 2015, I woke up with a view from Central Park, New York - with the very thing I have requested from him: a hand-picked Maple leaf - for a keepsake, for I always want to have one - a dream comes true.
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| a Maple leaf, in Central Park, NY - May 2015 |
I get the thing with Maple leaf. Really.
What I have in mind dealing with the beautiful leaf is the pristine picturesque of Autumn wonderland: the fallen changing-color leaves.
I love the intense autumn colors of the national symbol of Canada, along with its shape: various shades of red, yellow, purple, black, orange, pink, magenta, blue, and brown; with the palmate veining typical. Adorable!
Maple leaf always reminds me of an oxymoron: the warmth during the chilly autumn days. As I never actually experience the season of fall, I could only imagine it. Exuding the melancholy of autumn, I associate the impeccable season with (rather than Halloween and pumpkins) snug knitted sweaters in sultry tones for some warmth in considerably cool temperature, fancy leather boots in toasty shades to stroll around the places with beautiful fallen Maple leaves, and a cozy patchwork quilt to spread on the fallen-leaf ground for a picnic with a mug of hot chocolate and marshmallows. Practically obsessed!
In my deepest consciousness, also, he is a drop-dead beauteous fraction of my American dreams. I truly couldn't get any more idealistic, being a dreamer, with anyone else beside of me.
It's gotta be him. Him only.
I am beyond blessed for his being my eyes - making me descry bits of my dream: American dreams.
pictures: private documents
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