at some point in my life, it's hard for me to come as i am, to come out clean. i thought i would just have the guts to reveal what's inside of me. of course not. maybe it's only a matter of time. maybe i just haven't met the right person yet. maybe it's just the technical thingy. maybe i just don't need to wonder why.
when it comes about time, i feel like i am in the in-betweens of having much time and running out of it. as for my personal concern, i feel like i am trapped in an outer look which doesn't go along with reality. it just seems so wrong - even for me - that i can be in a very rush situation one time, and in a completely loose moment the other time. i am in a rush when i think about the fact that something may go out of my hand in a blink of an eye, so i have to be quick. i am loose when i am aware of the youthful in me which is just there inside of me, so just take it easy.
talking about the right person, i can only think about someone who is out of my reach. what i mean by the right person here is not merely a soulmate. i just need to meet and interact with someone who definitely makes me feel good. a guy like Jared Letto is just amazing. or a girl like Julia Stiles is simply perfect. they are not only famous figures and my idols for their works on music and movie, but they also someones who can make me feel accepted. they somehow boost my inner strength to come out as i am, to appreciate all the way that i have been, and to come out clean in a better-than-before brand new personality. what i see and what i feel about those two people are beyond the modest things. Jared Letto is not only beautiful and possesses such a musical talent, but i just can see him and feel him like i never do to anyone else. his concerns about the environment are not cliche - simply cool, and i don't think i know other musicians who do the same thing in a kind of cool ways. as for Julia Stiles, seeing her sweet smiles, the way she sounds when she speaks, the move of her dances and knowing that she has a bright brain, just make me inspired - making me feel like everything is just gonna be okay if i am around that kind of person. in fact, i am surrounded by many great figures of family and friends, but i don't know why they just can't make me feel like i am accepted in a kind of my way. somehow i believe that someday i am able to meet one of those kinds of people.
my tendency of being with myself and not that much opening myself to others may just be a form of lack of skill. all my life, i have been that kind of person who keeps everything to myself. i may need to learn just how to share my deepest thoughts and feelings of mine with other people with guts and without losing my self confidence.
the more the time goes by, the more i realize that sharing is human's basic need. the more i keep everything inside, the duller my senses are. being detemined to wait for the right time and person, i look forward to cleaving apart the drape.
picture: private document
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