Exceptionally Exceptional

Living a new role as a life partner of someone is something beyond my expectations.

I feel selfless (happen-to-be, or unaware).

Magnanimous.

Desirous.

And, I feel like I have betrayed myself, at the beginning, in a way that I would never do in the past - the great and positive way.

Though I was typical little girl growing up with Disney's distinctive idealism of finding the Prince Charming and having a happy-ending life in marriage, I always seem to go with my true-self, being rebellious, out of mainstream way - for I never thought that getting married was a dream I badly wanted to make it come true. I mean, wait up, just let me settle another things other than getting married. I know that at certain point of my age, I just have to take it into my consideration - that eventually I have to settle down, no longer running around. But the feeling like I want to live alone is bigger than the fact of taking norms of life naturally and normally like everybody does.

I have dreams - another bigger dreams.

On the other hand, I always love Disney stories, simply as they are amazing. I remember having great time with my older sister and dad enjoying the classic stories, making me realize that I had a lovely childhood - despite my parents' divorcement.

Yet, becoming an adult in a broken-home family is never a reason why I always thought that marriage was never worth getting done. I had those terrible moments when my dad and mom argued, and it made me terrified. Later when I grew older, I just knew that it was nobody's fault. Not even God's. It was just the way that it was.

As much as I understand myself - a contradictory persona - before I got married last June 2014, I merely never thought that I wanted to marry someone at my age, at my 31. Just that.

Those bigger dreams I stated previously were the reasons why my marriage is unexpected. Marriage was never on the list in my agenda. I wanted to delay it - despite my age. I was in my early 30's when deciding to be single and live my dreams, including earning living, traveling, social-working and studying. I even managed myself well to not having a relationship with any man while catching those dreams of mine. Dating  was something I didn't do - not only because there was almost no man asking me to, but also because I didn't want it - at that moment.

I felt okay being with myself and a small circle of female and male friends - while having a plan to get married at 35 or older; a plan in vain.

At first, I was afraid. Betraying myself for something good and lovely as marrying my husband was once a feeling tearing me apart - into two. A part kept questioning me how such a contradictory persona like I am dared to do that. The other part was overjoyed - so overjoyed that I ended up demanding it. I wanted him no matter how scared I was.

Scared - because I am aware of my weaknesses, and it ain't easy, and my personal concerns are my biggest nightmares. 

Then he came - taking me by surprise, of his unusual outlook.

Starting out colleagues and friends to each other, I and my husband just know that each of us is exceptional - for each other.

Sure, regardless the fact that every person is unique.

The way I see him as a persona, and the way he sees me.

He even saw me as a weirdo - well, he does.

He wrote something about me after being friends for several months. Back then, I didn't know that he would write on blogs - while I was always the one who told him about loving to write a lot.

It is remarkably interesting to "see" myself being seen and described by him - though something about my being odd does bother me a lot as I want to be simply perfect in his eyes.

I never thought that he ever saw me that way!

How could I have a clue?

How in the hell that I didn't even realize his thinking about me?

I know, back then I always saw him as someone who shared (he still does) things about English and views of life at its modesty - with me. After a while, I felt comfortable to take him as my younger brother in term - as he is 5 years younger than I am. He seemed okay and also referred me as a big sister he never has. Things were the ways they always were. Simple. Sweet. Some talks. Some discussions. Some walk-outs. Some fun. No more, no less.

The first photograph of me and him was on June 2013, at a beach. That was actually the beginning of our sparks - I guess.

I couldn't explain the situation, but I eventually sensed something - more than just our daily shared emotions. A little bit annoying at some points for I felt that he was such a nagging boy that I felt disturbed. Mostly haunting me with curiosity which could kill a T-Rex!

At the same time of intensity, I was trying to match-make him with some female friends of mine - teasing him that he really should date someone.

I wasn't sure whether I was being sincere about matchmaking thingy for him, or just wanted to see his reaction toward it. Regardless it all, teasing him was just fun!

When he went to Jakarta for a test, I remembered it was the last session at office, around 9 pm, and he came to borrow one of my lunch boxes to be taken with him. I wished him safe flights and best of luck for the test. While he was away, it started to get intense for me. He texted me the way he hadn't ever done before. I was like, "What the hell is wrong with this boy?" I realized that it didn't take a genius to know what he really meant by his messages, but I needed to check it out, so I dragged him in, face to face, side by side - demanding him to spit his explanations out.

"Do you like me?", I asked. I didn't even know where the hell I got the courage and being such a brave brat asking him so!

He took a breath, and replied, "Well, I don't think I like you."

Oh, hell! I froze - speechless.

He continued, "It's more likely that I ... love you."

I felt as if my heart had fallen all of a sudden!

Isn't it a wonder that he is even a contradictory to his own confession?!

He once told me that he doesn't merely believe in love, like LOVE. For him, being husband and wife is more about mutual things. I think that it's because he is being logical - for thing such love is too much, and he may have his own definition of romance - of course!

But when he told me that he loves me (not likes), I just didn't get it. He doesn't even believe in love - whatever it means.

I felt intrigued.

Even, he said that English is the bond between us - it is the only thing setting us together.

I just thought that his peculiarity had taken me so questionably that I felt like I had to end up my life with him!

I never get involved into intense friendship with a huge number of people, so I don't think I have ever experienced unique characteristics of someone deeply. I mostly only know the big pictures of someone - without knowing certain special emotions which one has. It's kinda making me see others the same way, just commoners.

It doesn't work that way with him - just, differently.

The moment I got that rush of feeling like I just have to be with him - I realized that his rarity might always, somehow, ignite and burn the flame inside of me - for it may always keep me excitedly anticipated with feeling alive and being loved the wicked way. I need that kind of persistence around me - making me feel like I'd be surprised at any time!

Ever since his confession and asking my hand in marriage, I have been seeing him otherwise.

Our first encounters of first kisses were breathtakingly hilarious. Touching his skin makes me like experiencing magical works of life itself. Laughing and arguing with him simply spark my new days as a half of him.

Against all odds, being half of someone's half makes me whole.

At times when I feel insecure and needed to be assured, he simply says,

"You ARE exceptional ... and, special!"

pictures: private documents