On Being A Mother: The Feels & The Thoughts

    

    Before I was pregnant with my baby boy (who is 4 months old as I am writing this), I always knew that I wanted to have children, at least one. I always see myself as a family woman - I enjoy home life. I simply wanted to have my own family - a husband and kid/s - to tend to, to take care of, to love, for the goods and the bads, absolutely to live with my entire life.

        

     Pretty basic. Everyone’s dream. Any woman's desire.

        

    Yet, when two sticks showed two red lines each (I did home pregnancy test twice, just to make myself believe), I was wrecked into two pieces - really in awe of having a little human alive and grow inside of me. A part of me was overjoyed: how amazing it would be to carry my baby weeks by weeks in my womb, to deliver, raise and love him my whole life. The other part was extremely terrified: how frightening it would be to bear a baby at my 35, how I was not mentally ready for a baby despite my age (not even ready with anything yet!), and suddenly all fears concerning my baby’s life just came up: What if my baby is sick? What if my baby gets hurt? What if he inherits my bad health traits? (I’ve got issues with bad immune system, plus being pregnant at such an old age concerns me with risks causing birth defects which I strongly fear my baby may have. Why risking my life by having an unhealthy baby? I really wished that I had had him at 25!) What if I could not nurture him the best I could? What if I am a bad mother? - and so forth. The suspense was killing me!

        

    I realize that those mixed feelings of jolly and downhearted might be endured by women having babies in general, but how could I ever know the best way to compromise? Of course, because I am woman of my own, I differ from them. I may have same predicaments, but different feelings and ways of solving problems. What if I get worse result just because I handle things differently? Why can’t I just be like them those women who are mothers and manage situations/problems with their children well? I felt less fortunate with how I (always) handle any situations in my life. I always seem to mess with my own doings.

     I am infamous for my (among others) weird quality as a person.

      It’s not something that I am proud of, but - like it or not, conscious or unconsciously - it remarkably affects my everyday self: my behavior, my attitude, and my points of view. My weirdness starts from what is within my head, then it just comes out in the way I speak, move and do/make things. My problem-solving system mostly works all the way differently from others, and it freaks me out. With zero experience about pregnancy and having newborn/kid, I was entirely stressed out - so dreadful that I did not want it. I did not want to be pregnant nor a parent. I did not want the baby - my dearest baby boy. It happened several times in the first weeks of my pregnancy. I regretted it - so much, BIG TIME! I would not even bother blaming the hormones - but as time went by, I got back to my sanity. I realize that readiness is not the issue with me. I’ve got no power to even judge myself whether I am ready or I am not. It’s God’s will - purely and entirely His. I am not a religious person, but it’s an irony for me just how many times I heard/knew about how God is indeed the best planner - but then I denied it by playing victim over plans God set for me that I felt unfit for me.

        

    Being pregnant was totally a BIG surprise. My husband and I never planned to have kid around this time - despite our ages (he was 5 years younger than I am, tho!) and marriage of 3 years (with 2 years being completely separated when he pursued his master’s degree in the States), nor did we ever make any extra efforts to have one in the near future. We both were not yet emotionally and financially ready. But who am I? Who are we to plan it so selfishly? God does know better. God made me realise that when I wished for a chance to be a mother back then when I was a lot younger (at my twenties), and because it would definitely come with responsibilities, I was just not granted the chance. I must have been not ready - I thought I was. I thought I could be responsible, but I could not. Then,  this is the right time. Now is exactly the right time for me to be a mother/parent and be able to be responsible. Perhaps, for many other wishes too - they take time and only God knows when.

        

    Things changed for the good when I felt my baby moved for the very first time in my belly. Feeling amazed, I knew I loved him before I met him. Cheesy, right? Oh well, now that I am a mother, I have cited all the way from the most romantic poems/songs/quotes to the cheesiest ones to describe and express what I feel about my baby. Now I know the good use of “Love You To The Moon and Back, and Beyond”, You’re My Sun, My Moon, My Everything”, “Unconditional Love”, “You’re My Definition Of Perfect”, “I would die for you” and many, many more. Now I know why mothers love their children. Now I know that every single thing about my baby simply affects me emotionally. I cried when he spitted-up milk out of his mouth and nose after feeding - although it’s normal. I even miss him when he is sleeping! Knowing that I can feel all that much, I think all my worries and doubts somehow fade away, though I still have lots to worry about, especially concerning his health.

        

    My baby was born on November 20, 2017. He was at exactly 40 weeks and weighed 6,17 lbs. He was a tiny newborn who came out with a loud cries after 6-hour labor through vaginal delivery. During pregnancy, I was sure about my feelings: instead of fearing about the delivery of my baby (the pain, C-section option, the struggles), I was scared a lot more about my baby’s life out of my womb - in the real world, real life. I felt that it's not the labor that is the tough part. It somehow proved! Within minutes after the delivery, I eased my postpartum pain. Then I focused right on my newborn with mixed feelings - relieved, happy, excited, even terrified! I didn’t cry for being deeply moved when he was born, nor when he latched on me to breastfeed for the first time. I was just fascinated! So fucking stoked!

        

    Back then before he came, I knew nothing about how he was gonna be, but I was aware that he is going to be a tiny creature depending on me to strive on his first years of life. He is gonna need me so much. So, I gathered myself together and tried hard to be/do the best for him. I started embracing my pregnancy with a strong positive feeling. I thank God that I did not experience severe case of typical pregnancy issues, such as vomiting and nausea. On the bad side, I was terrified to bear a precious life in my womb because not only that this was my first time, but also I simply was not ready for everything about it. On the good side, I felt somehow much healthier when I was pregnant. It might be some hormones’ works of wonder, but I just felt in my fittest form: I was never sick and I had some health improvements such as better immunity (no flu or cough) and better skin condition (I had quite severe skin rashes in large area of my right palm as well as major sensitive skin problems causing itchiness and redness). I ate a lot well, no typical cravings (but I did have OREO a loooot! Vegan snack rocks!), I walked out in the mornings with my headphones on, and went outside a lot with my husband. Never did I know it was going to feel so good when I was pregnant. My husband even wondered how I managed so well for a first timer!

        

    Adding to my surprise, I delivered the mini version of myself. How perfect! The more that I love my baby! He has my complexion (I wonder if that’s the reason why some people mistook him as a baby girl), my thin strands of hair, my thin eyebrows (so envy my husband’s thick ones!), my puffy eyes, my chubby cheeks, my fleshy/bulbous nose and mismatched eyes and lips - just like mine. When he started to coo a lot, I know it comes all way from me for my outspoken/chatty quality, but I hope he does much, much better on that (I surely never wish for any bad qualities to be inherited from me!) His ears look like his father’s, and he also possesses a very kissable chin dimple inherited from him.

        

    In spite of reaching every milestone amazingly, my baby actually has midline defects and some physical traits I was mostly clueless about before. That is something that has been on my mind for a while now. When my husband told me that he found some mongolian spots in various sizes sparsed all over my baby’s back and bottom, and a sacral dimple on his lower back, I realized that my baby is different from other babies I ever know. My baby’s got something. It felt heavy at heart, because I really wanted my baby to be as “normal” as other babies. Then, it was in an afternoon when I first noticed his sugar bug vein on his nasal bridge. I panicked - I thought it was something painful for it looks like a black and blue bruise. I read a lot from the internet and I thought my baby has the MTHFR (I can’t even spell this!) mutation gene for his sugar bug vein and sacral dimple, but because I don’t have any genetic analysis on hand, I don’t have any clue to what extent I would ever know his status. I hate having so much to worry about! I told myself not to let the unknown scare me, for I will learn, I will grow and I will become everything my child needs me to be.

   My husband and I have been going very slowly about our baby. Both of us agree not to vaccinate our little one since he was born (he got vitamin K and hepB shots, tho!). Later I knew that since people with MTHFR don’t clear toxins normally, vaccines (which also contain toxins) may trigger worse conditions (such as allergies). Once my baby grows older and can decide on his own, we would let him opt whether or not to vaccinate.

    In most situations, I felt very lucky that my baby made my tasks as a new mother easier despite his conditions.

    He was a sweet baby - latching on me well when breastfeeding, easily being calmed down when crying/whining and learning regular sleep time on his own (that means so much, because when he sleeps well, I can also take some precious time to rest). I always keep an eye out for his development every single day and let my worries alarm me whenever things get worsened (fingers crossed, y’all!)

        

    Since day 1 of my baby’s existence, I knew that I only had my husband to help me with him - let alone my family in the faraway island and my husband’s families out of towns. I relied much on tips, tricks and advices I received from my sisters and dearest step Mom via messages. I also read a bunch of  from-A-to-Z newborn thingy from the internet and Youtube, from accounts on Instagram and some books from local libraries. First weeks were HARD - as fuck! I felt exhausted and nervous for taking care a tiny creature who came into my life without manuals! I cried when I did not know what to do, when I hurt my baby with my flow as he breastfed, when I just wanted to go outside (but I just couldn’t!) for a glass of iced Americano, or a cup of latte, or simply a night out with my husband for an hour or two! I just wanted to go away and be with my baby at the same damn time! I know I was myopic! I did not think I suffered from severe case of the baby-blues, but I got quite an unpleasant feeling for several days.

        

    As time went by day by day, week by week, month by month, I have learned abundant things while making mistakes here and there. I do enjoy growing older with my little one’s growing bigger - and, older too! My husband and I become each other's biggest supporters with one huge thing in common: our love - for each other and our baby.

    I still fear things any mother would ever fear for her kids, but I try to focus on the nowness of my new life as a mother.

    I firmly hold on to another thoughts crossing my mind some time ago. It was early in the morning when I put my sweater and trousers on, tied my running shoes, put my headphones on with some old and new songs on my iPad playlist and stepped out of the front door for a morning run - leaving behind my husband with our still-sleeping baby , accompanied by my brother in-law who came the night before to visit his nephew. It was my first morning run after my post-partum period, roughly after one month. I felt the morning cold breeze, the smell of green trees, the sight of gray morning sky, and all the good feels. I ran a little and mostly walked. I felt really happy. I stopped by a convenient store, bought a can of ice-cold coffee, and sipped happiness into me. The morning sun was shining softly as I was walking home while thinking about those ones at home. Especially my baby boy.

        

    The thought hit me like a harsh bolt of lightning. Of all the feelings I have for my baby, I never consciously considered about one thing. No matter how much I love him and I feel like he is mine (he practically is), there is no fear as huge as the fear of losing. I am scared if I ever lose him - whenever it is, by whatever it might be. Whether it is when he was newborn, some time when he grows up, or another time when he is much older someday - NO. Whether he dies by illness, or other things - NO. I would NEVER gonna be able to bear it! Now that he came to my life, now that I have him as my precious, now that I love him more than anything in life, he can never leave me. But what if things work differently from what I always thought? What if his destiny takes him other way than MY way? What if he leaves me tomorrow? Or anytime? I couldn’t even bear the thoughts! I want to be with him whenever and wherever and forever. PERIOD! Of all fears, I don’t think I could bear losing him. My husband is on the more logic and sane side. He fears about being unable to support our son financially. I think I can understand that because he is the one providing for our family. 

        

    About having my baby in my life, I started out with good feelings, yet bad feelings coexisted. As I calmed down such contrasted feelings, I continued on with delighted heart, body, mind and soul.

     I finally settled with feeling of love among many fragments of other feelings: good and bad - but mostly: the love.

     A common kind of love all mothers have for their children - only bigger. Also, some sparks of fears. Some usual fears all mothers feel toward their children - only more profound.

        

    Whether I just wanted to peace myself out or it was really something I have to take as an “ugly” truth, I came to a simple conclusion of my fearful thoughts. No matter how I come to love my baby THAT MUCH, he is not MINE to have. He is God’s. As weird as it gets me everytime, I finally ease the thoughts of losing him. I would love him, take care of him and do the best for him  - and if God takes him anytime, anywhere, in any circumstances, so be it.

        

    From that point on, I think I don’t fear of losing him that much anymore. I know it is such a waste of great time (in a stupid way) - fearing something only God knows when and how, something every living thing will eventually experience. Instead of fearing, I should spend more and more time on doing/making the best with my baby, and my little family.  I won’t take anything about him (or my life, or my little family, or anything) for granted.

        

    I have come to realize that being a mother truly lets me have every single feeling immensely, and even some unthinkable thoughts I have never thought in the past. In spite of the fact that I am always a kind of person who is highly sensitive and feels emotions deeply (also, a deep thinker), now that I am a mother, I have become one of those (silly) sappy feelers, even more. For me, it’s not about being under all that emotional nonsense, but everyone’s a feeler - whether the ones who guard feeling in an iron chest; hidden and locked away, or who wear their hearts on their sleeves; let all their emotions show forth vividly.

   I didn't change into someone completely new when I became a mother, instead I became a better version of myself: tougher, stronger, crazier, sillier, more patient, responsible, loving, sleep deprived and all!

    Having the new role, I do work hard, really hard to manage good feelings and think great thoughts - as a boy mama to Summer Snow Abdurrahman.

pictures: private documents