When my second born was put onto my chest right after she was pulled out, I felt relieved. For my pain was eased. For the baby had finally arrived - safely and with loud cries. I first noticed her reddish dark skin and thick hair along her upper shoulders and back of her neck. She was just amazing! Somehow she was calm in my embrace despite her first loud cries. I held her on my chest while she was trying to nurse. For the next hour, it’s just the both of us: me holding her and her nursing calmly - in one of the ICU rooms, under the blinding light of lamps on the ceiling and in the buzzing cold of the AC breeze. Within that first hour, something came to mind. I wasn’t sure that it was something worth thinking about. I might be just exhausted so I couldn’t think straight, or the fact that everything went well simply calmed me down so I just didn’t bother thinking about anything bad at all. Only when a nurse came taking my baby for further observations then I thought about my first born - my son. At that time, he was away with his dad at our relatives’s house and it was only a little while ago that he was with me before I delivered, and how I missed him! How could I miss my first baby when it was my second baby I was holding in my embrace?!
Honestly, when I first knew that I was pregnant with my daughter, I felt surprised in some sort of annoyance. I know, I know - why did I even feel that way toward her? But the truth was: I wasn’t ready for my second baby - because I know it’s going to be very hard to go through another pregnancy while raising a one-year old kid. To make it worse, it has always been only my husband and I teaming up - no other family members to help us out. I still clearly remember how I actually felt about my first pregnancy - I also freaked out mostly for not feeling ready. But since it was my first, I simply loved it soon after finding it out.
And the second one freaked me out much more - for I hadn’t had the experience of raising a baby and a toddler altogether while also living my own life! With my baby boy, it was quite hard - many new things to learn, many mistakes, all sorts of feelings and emotions, and most notably: the exhaustion. Then how was I gonna be when having two little kids?!
I think I treasured my first pregnancy the most - like, you know, I finally got to know how it feels to be pregnant and to have baby.
And the second one freaked me out much more - for I hadn’t had the experience of raising a baby and a toddler altogether while also living my own life! With my baby boy, it was quite hard - many new things to learn, many mistakes, all sorts of feelings and emotions, and most notably: the exhaustion. Then how was I gonna be when having two little kids?!
At that first hour of my second baby and I were bonding, I knew just what I were thinking of: I loved my daughter in an instant from the second that she was held in my arms, yet I wished that my son were the only baby.
I know it’s crazy. Wicked. Even when she was real in my embrace, I still didn’t want her. Don’t I love her? Of course, I LOVE her. So much. But it just felt so different that I felt guilty about it. I’m afraid of being unable to love both of them equally.
With my son, my love grew stronger from the beginning when I found out I was pregnant and kept growing more with time until he was born - a “relationship” kind of love. It was something I didn’t think I had when I was pregnant with my daughter. It’s not that I hated her in particular, but I just didn’t like the feeling of being so exhausted while being pregnant with her and also taking care of my son - a definitely needy toddler. Far back as long as I can recall, I was so relaxed with my first pregnancy. I got very excited too - all new feelings, new experiences, and more energy to focus on my pregnancy. It was just totally different with my second one. My morning sickness got really bad - so much worse than the first.
It was in my second pregnancy when I had my very first experience of surgery. I had infected Bartholin’s cyst when I was in my 6th month of pregnancy. It was as painful as scary. I had to endure a terrible pain, I worried bad things would happen to my baby, and above of all, I worried about my son - who’s gonna take care of him? I finally had the cyst surgically treated - in one of the most intensely miserable but memorable experiences of my life. I stayed several days at the hospital and while on the mend, I thought things just got better. I know I shouldn’t have thought about it, but somehow I knew that I got the cyst because of my pregnancy - the second one. I know it’s not on medically based - it’s just what I thought and felt. Did I blame her? Well, I just thought that if I hadn’t been pregnant with her, I might not have had the cyst. But who knew? It was then - my stupid thought. Now that she is here with me, I just think that I would even walk through hell for her, I would take thousand bullets on her place - bother not the cyst!
Taking care of my son was a very challenging thing. Of course my husband was there to help, but you know, there are things that no one else could do but me, so how wondering it was the fact that I could do so much while being so exhausted!
It was in my second pregnancy when I had my very first experience of surgery. I had infected Bartholin’s cyst when I was in my 6th month of pregnancy. It was as painful as scary. I had to endure a terrible pain, I worried bad things would happen to my baby, and above of all, I worried about my son - who’s gonna take care of him? I finally had the cyst surgically treated - in one of the most intensely miserable but memorable experiences of my life. I stayed several days at the hospital and while on the mend, I thought things just got better. I know I shouldn’t have thought about it, but somehow I knew that I got the cyst because of my pregnancy - the second one. I know it’s not on medically based - it’s just what I thought and felt. Did I blame her? Well, I just thought that if I hadn’t been pregnant with her, I might not have had the cyst. But who knew? It was then - my stupid thought. Now that she is here with me, I just think that I would even walk through hell for her, I would take thousand bullets on her place - bother not the cyst!
Once again, of course I love her. She is a miniature me - so why not? That makes sense and makes everything about her better despite my initial prejudices. I realize I didn’t seem to be that excited during pregnancy with her and that’s where the difference started off. My love for my daughter is like “love at first sight” kind of love.
Though I have to admit that during first several days (just like in the first moment my baby daughter and I bonded), I kept thinking about how I wanted to go back to where it was far before my second pregnancy and her arrival, when everything was all about me and my son, just the two of us. I probably just went through my postpartum moments. As days passed on, I indeed felt better and every single detestable thought about my daughter just went away. Even now, I love her more and more deeply.
From the moment of our first bonding, my heart was completely full. I doubted it before, but when she finally came out, I know that I was like, “How I love her!”.
Though I have to admit that during first several days (just like in the first moment my baby daughter and I bonded), I kept thinking about how I wanted to go back to where it was far before my second pregnancy and her arrival, when everything was all about me and my son, just the two of us. I probably just went through my postpartum moments. As days passed on, I indeed felt better and every single detestable thought about my daughter just went away. Even now, I love her more and more deeply.
I realize that I had totally different experiences with my two kids. I should consider myself lucky - instead of feeling guilty. To tell the truth, every one of my kids is truly a different individual to begin with. I just can’t parent my first little boy the same way I parent my baby girl.
I guess I will forgive myself as my kids continue to grow and my beautiful relationship with each of them continues to develop over the years. I strongly believe that either it’s “relationship” or “love at first sight” kind of love, each of those just grows stronger with time.
My love for my kids is special and different in its own perfect way.
I guess I will forgive myself as my kids continue to grow and my beautiful relationship with each of them continues to develop over the years. I strongly believe that either it’s “relationship” or “love at first sight” kind of love, each of those just grows stronger with time.
pictures: private documents
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